Suggested Readings

Patricia Love and Steve Stosny. Publisher: Broadway, 2008. ISBN: 0767923189

There has been much said about the differences between men and women when it comes to talking things out – this book delves deeply into the matter. An easy book for men to be able to identify with. Includes many true stories of couples in trouble and how they deal with it.

5 Love Languages

Gary Chapman. Publisher: Northfield, 1995. ISBN: 1881273156

Dr. Chapman has identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time; Receiving Gifts; Acts of Service; and Physical Touch. Each is illustrated through real-life examples. Notably, this series includes special editions directed at men, teens, children and Hispanic speakers.

Divorce Busting

Michele Weiner-Davis. Publisher: Simon & Schuster, 1993. ISBN: 0671797255

Weiner-Davis focuses on helping us understand that trying to change your spouse into the perfect mate is a futile endeavor. Her focus is on identifying what’s possible and looking to yourself to achieve positive change, through the principles of short-term therapy.

The Divorce Remedy

Michele Weiner-Davis. Publisher: Simon & Schuster, 2002. ISBN: 0684873257

In this follow up to her best-seller, Divorce Busting, Weiner-Davis serves up a seven-step program for revitalizing the troubled marriage, with a special emphasis what to do after your spouse has asked for a divorce, or has even moved out. The topics include: how to identify marriage-saving goals; how to move beyond ineffective, hurtful ways of interacting; how to look for positive signs of change and how to stay calm, and optimistic.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

John Gottman. Publisher: Simon & Schuster, 1995. ISBN: 0684802414

Dr. Gottman takes a scientist’s approach to the topic – he actually studies couple interactions in his “love lab,” and gives us insights, often surprising ones, into couples that have managed to stay together. He has identified characteristics of healthy marriages as well as of those in trouble.

7 Principles of Making Marriage Work

John Gottman. Publisher: Orion, 2004. ISBN: 0752837265

A companion to Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Gottman includes more self-tests, checklists and exercises to help couples establish a framework for coping with their differences.

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts

Judith Wallerstein & Sandra Blakeslee. Publisher: Grand Central 1996. ISBN: 0446672483

Reports on their detailed and explicit interviews with 50 couples from “successful” marriages, underscoring that such relationships often take very different outward appearances. However, the patterns of success show through, in the writer’s identification of a series of psychological tasks that every partner confronted in some manner or another.

The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship

Don Miguel Ruiz. Publisher: Amber-Allen, 2002. ISBN: 1878424440

A unique perspective. Ruiz was raised in rural Mexico by a curandera (healer) mother and nagual (shaman) grandfather. His mission is to carry forward the wisdom of his Toltec heritage, in this case as it applies to love. He uses parables to bring his teachings to life including the power of self-love and the notion that sometimes we are guilty of self-abuse, inflicting “emotional poison” on ourselves.

Getting the Love You Want: a guide for couples

Harville Hendrix. Publisher: Holt, Updated 2007. ISBN: 0805087001

Hendrix is a couple’s counselor who lived through the pain of his own failed marriage, which spurred his personal research into what he describes as the “practice of becoming passionate friends.” Along the way, he created a therapy he named Imago Relationship Therapy. His goal is to help us get beyond the “Inconscious Marriage” and grow into the “Conscious Marriage”.

Keeping the Love You Find: a personal guide

Harville Hendrix. Publisher: Atria, 1993. ISBN: 0671734202

Imago Relationship Therapy principles applied to the single life situation. Useful applications for gay and lesbian relationships.

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Roberta Gilbert. Publisher: Wiley, 1992. ISBN: 047134690X

Gilbert bases her material on the Bowen Family Systems Theory, developed by respected family therapy pioneer, Murray Bowen. This is an excellent treatise on the subject of relationships, tending toward the technical side. The author is a proponent of understanding family dynamics to understand how people’s actions in relationships might echo their family system.

Getting to Yes

Roger Fisher, Bruce Patton and William Ury. Publisher: Houghton Mifflin, 1992. ISBN: 0140157352

Fisher offers his five-step system for negotiation. The work leans heavily on the Harvard Negotiation Project research, and concentrates on how to separate problems from personal agendas, along with other valuable ideas. The notion of being “hard on the problems and easy on the people” is particularly useful, as is his BATNA acronym, Best Alternatives to a Negotiated Agreement.

Getting Past No

William Ury. Publisher: Bantam, 1993. ISBN: 0553371312

Many consider this book to be the definitive tome on the art of negotiation. The idea of using Ury’s “joint problem solving approach” techniques to turn adversaries into negotiating partners has application to family relationships. Ury explains that the challenge is to convert a confrontational situation to a cooperative creative problem solving process. The author directs the Global Negotiation Project at Harvard University.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

Stephen R. Covey. Publisher: Simon & Schuster, 1999. ISBN: 0684860082

Despite his commercial success, and reputation for “guru-ness,” Covey continues to deliver simple, workable, well thought-out concepts, this one for effective family communication. While the work is a re-interpretation of his famous “7 Habits” directed at the work environment, this is more than a re-packaging – parents can find relate to the stories and tips that emerge from the eyes of Covey’s own nine children.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD. Publisher: Puddledancer Press. 2003. ISBN: 1892005034

An important work focusing on using communication (talk) to achieve peace and partnership. Rosenberg urges us to listen empathically and communicate using authentic feelings and needs. The latest edition of the book introduces us to the concept of “self-compassion,” pointing out that if we are internally violent toward ourselves, it is difficult to be passionate toward others.

People Skills

Robert Bolton. Publisher: Touchstone, 1986. ISBN: 067162248X

This work is simply a classic on the subject of interpersonal communication, with emphasis on listening skills, assertion techniques, conflict resolution and collaborative problem solving. Fairly heavy reading.

Handbook for Communication and Problem-Solving Skills Training

Jeffrey R. Bedell and Shelley S. Lennox. Publisher: Wiley, 1997. ISBN: 0471082503

The sub-title of this work, “A Cognitive-Behavioral Approach” hints at its textbook nature – it is in fact just that, published under the banner of the Einstein-Montefiore Medical Center Department of Psychiatry. As such, the work is heavily research driven, but nonetheless valuable for the lay person. At $150 however, you may want to look for it first in the library.

The Four Agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz. Publisher: Amber-Allen, 2001. ISBN: 1878424505

Shamanic teacher and healer, Ruiz’ passion is to pass on the wisdom of his Toltec heritage. His four agreements are simple: Be impeccable with your word. Don’t take anything personally. Don’t make assumptions. Always do your best. The magic lies in the how and why of these principles that Ruiz masterfully brings to life.

How to Communicate in Sobriety

Luther and Eileen Lord, Publisher: Hazelden, 1978. ISBN: 0894860461

Unfortunately, alcohol and substance abuse plays a role in all-too-many family situations. Paradoxically, sobriety itself opens up new family issues, relating to the “personality change” that the recovering person undergoes. I love this little, older book which treats the serious subject with a dose of humor, through the use of cartoon character Assertive, and his sidekicks Hostile and Passive.

How to Win Friends & Influence People

Dale Carnegie. Publisher: Simon & Schuster: 2009. ISBN: 1439167346

The tendency might be to dismiss this book as outdated, because it was first published in 1937, but to do so would be a mistake. Carnagie’s nine rules for effective leadership are tantamount to communications commandments.

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Lorrannie Bilodeau. Publisher: Hazelden, 1994. ISBN: 1568380542

Good reading for anyone who needs to understand and learn more about anger management. Combines scientific research with questions and exercises to help you define the sources of your anger. Explains how to look at your attitudes about anger, and the power that you have to use anger as a positive force for change and growth.

The Choosing to Forgive Workbook

Lee Carter, PhD and Frank Minirth, M.D. Publisher: Thomas Nelson, 1997. ISBN: 0785282556

A 12-part plan to help you overcome your struggle to forgive and find lasting healing in your life – with great tips that allow you to examine and accept feelings of anger or disappointment.

The Dance of Anger

Harriet Lerner, Publisher: Harper. 2005. ISBN: 006074104X

Ms. Lerner begins with the message that “Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.” Her book is about how to resolve the common arguments that occur in relationships. She dives right into it from the platform that a woman’s anger can be a normal reaction to a culture where interpersonal threats and conflicts all-to-often get “resolved” by being overpowered by the man’s anger.

Letting Go of Anger

Ronald and Patricia Potter-Efron. Publisher: New Harbinger, 2006. ISBN: 1572244488

The Potter-Efrons are a professional therapy team whose work has identified the tools to address what to do about what they term: “The Eleven Most Common Anger Styles.” The work discusses how to let go of our anger rather than just vent it, and to channel our anger to effect positive change.

Of Course You’re Angry

Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden Publisher: Hazelden, 1997. ISBN: 1568381417

It’s been around for a while, but this guide to “Dealing with the Emotions of Substance Abuse” is a valuable work in helping us understand a very special kind of anger – that associated with the recovering alcoholic or addict.

Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion

Carol Tavris. Publisher: Simon & Schuster, 1989. ISBN: 0671675230

Dr. Tavris bases her positions on serious research. She points out that anger can be a self-reinforcing mechanism with unhealthy outcomes. Her models and techniques help us understand what “sets us off.” The recent edition includes discussion on road rage, sports violence and the anger of young women.

Anger Workout Book

Hendrie Weisinger. Publisher: Harper, 1985. ISBN: 0688041140

Dr. Weisinger is the originator of “criticism training.” This textbook-style resource is often used by professionals to develop custom programs for their anger challenged clients. Practical, helpful and still relevant.

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David Schnarch. Publisher: W. W. Norton, 2009. ISBN: 0393334279

Schnarch combines elements of marriage therapy and sex therapy to combat what he refers to as the fact that “People have difficulty with intimacy because they’re supposed to.” He approaches the topic from the vantage point of using couple’s conflicts as the means of creating relationship growth.

The Dance of Intimacy

Harriet Lerner. Publisher: Harper, 1990. ISBN: 006091646X

Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, gives us a look at examples of real-life relationships that are challenged, and teaches the principles of better partner communication – essentially written from the woman’s perspective. Solid work on the subjects of triangles, and setting boundaries.

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Helen E. Fisher. Publisher: Ballantine, 1994. ISBN: 0449908976

Dr. Fisher, an anthropologist at the American Museum of Natural History, puts forth new, and surprising, explanations for why men and women fall in love, marry, and divorce, grounded in a perspective of the evolution of mating behavior. Her thought-provoking approach addresses questions like whether or not women should accept that their interest in sex is secondary to their biological need to reproduce?

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring. Publisher: Harper, 1997. ISBN: 0060928174

The Springs offer more than just hope for saving a marriage after an infidelity – they put forth a survival guide to rebuilding relationships. Their premise is that both partners need to understand the meaning of the affair and to accept responsibility for what happened. Case studies and checklists guide readers through their three stages of healing: normalizing feelings; deciding whether to recommit; and revitalizing the relationship.

How to Save Your Marriage from an Affair: Seven Steps to Rebuilding A Broken Trust

Ron Edell. Publisher: Zebra, 1995. ISBN: 0821748866

Edell provides a remarkably comprehensive discussion of what makes for a strong marriage. He discusses the reasons why affairs happen and what to do to prevent them. The core proposition is a seven-step “reconstructive” program for couples that are willing to recommit to one another. The steps are defined as Admission, Ventilation, Identification, Vulnerability, Communion, Acceptance, and Reunion. He also offers advice on what to look for in seeking professional help.

How can I Forgive You – The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

Janis Abrahms Spring. Publisher: Harper, 2005. ISBN: 0060009314

In this sequel to her bestselling After the Affair, Abrahms Spring delves into the marriage therapy topic of forgiveness, including the notion of acceptance as an alternative when forgiveness is not possible. She categorizes forgiveness into: cheap forgiveness; refusing to forgive; acceptance and genuine forgiveness. Using insights based on case studies she provides an in-depth view of resolution as a contributor to improved personal relationships.

Intimacy After Infidelity

Steven D. Solomon, PhD and Lorie J. Teagno, PhD. Publisher: New Harbinger, 2006. ISBN: 1572244615

This book deals with the core question surrounding infidelity: should I stay, or should I go? The authors provide helpful insight in gauging the likelihood of being able to salvage the relationship, and then
discuss how to move forward by dealing with the issues.

Adultery, The Forgivable Sin

Bonnie Eaker Weil, PhD. Publisher: Hudson House, 2003. ISBN: 1587768151

Weil contends that adultery may be a family disease, and that the study of family history can offer insight, understanding, and forgiveness in a relationship stressed by adultery. She suggests approaches to
self-examination designed to lead to a happy long-term marriage.

The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It

M. Gary Neuman. Publisher: Wiley, 2009. ISBN: 0470502134

An intriguing, and controversial, book intended to empower women by helping them understand what their spouse is really thinking about. Draws from interviews with men who have admitted to sexual affairs.

The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovery from Affairs

Peggy Vaughan. Publisher: Newmarket Press, 2003. ISBN: 1557045429

Vaughn is the personality behind AOL’s “Ask Peggy” forum. She presents her findings as one who has first-hand experience with affairs. Ms. Vaughan debunks many of the common approaches that
people take to prevent cheating, and offers helpful suggestions for recovering from the emotional devastation, including how to choose a marriage counselor.

Women Who Stay with Men Who Stray

Debbie Then, PHD. Publisher: Hyperion, 1999. ISBN: 0786865245

Dr. Then provides a framework intended to help women decide whether or not to stay marriage to a cheating spouse. She draws on the stories of real people, and examines the social, personal, and
financial forces at work in marriages, and advises on how to handle infidelity, with emphasis that women need to make their own lives as fulfilling as possible.

My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

Anne Bercht. Publisher: Trafford, 2006. ISBN: 147733209

The Berchts’ story about their personal experience with infidelity is uniquely and honestly presented from the point of view of the wife, the husband and the child.

When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal

Susan Forward, PhD. Publisher: HarperCollins, 1999. ISBN: 0060931159

Being in a relationship with someone who lies is extremely difficult. Dr. Forward examines the syndrome of men who lie to women and offers no-nonsense advice to women what to do about
it, with emphasis on identifying sociopathic behavior and avoiding men who have it.

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Michael Yapko. Publisher: Main Street Books, 1998. ISBN: 0385483708

This is the book that I most often recommend because Yapko puts depression in simple perspective: causes, diagnosis and treatment. Then he explains the patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving through real-world examples, and offers practical suggestions on what to do to feel better.

Hand-Me-Down Blues: How to stop depression from spreading in families

Michael Yapko. Publisher: Golden Guides, St. Martin’s Press, 2000. ISBN: 0312263325

Yapko discusses depression from the family perspective, not only family predisposition to the disease, but also how depression impacts family life behavioral patterns. He offers action steps in communication, problem solving, and thinking skills that individuals and families can use to improve relationships.

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

David D. Burns. Publisher: Harper, 1999. ISBN: 0380810336

An insightful book that begins with a substantial self-evaluation exercise that many have described as “life changing.” Easy to understand, with emphasis on areas of depression that can be addressed without drugs, but also includes a guide to antidepressant drugs that may also be an appropriate avenue of treatment.

The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook

Edmund J. Bourne. Publisher: New Harbinger, 2005. ISBN: 1572244135

Just what the title says – it’s a workbook. It offers proven techniques and exercises that you can use in your daily life to address anxiety disorders and phobias presented in an easy-to-use format.

Mind Over Mood – Change how you feel by changing the way you think

Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky. Publisher: Guilford Press, 1995. ISBN: 0898621283

Another popular workbook – often used to augment or enhance professional cognitive psychotherapy treatment. Worksheets teach skills to address depression, panic attacks, anxiety, anger, guilt, shame, low self-esteem, eating disorders, substance abuse and relationship problems.

Questions Most Asked About Anxiety & Phobias

Jane Miller. Publisher: Pretext Press, 1996. ISBN-10: 096548730X

A frequent talk-show guest, Jane Miller has the ability to take a joyful approach to tough subjects. She offers tools and techniques that can guide phobics toward relief, through application of attitude and perception changes.

Worry-Free Living

Frank Minirth, Pul Meier, Don Hawkins. Publisher: Thomas Nelson, 1991. ISBN: 0840731930

A Christian-based book that offers ten methods to overcome and prevent anxiety and prevent its recurring by pursuing a biblical lifestyle.

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Martha Davis, Elizabeth Eshelman, Matthew McKay. Publisher: New Harbinger, 2008. ISBN: 1572245492

Stress Management Workbook

Tom Whiteman, Samuel Verghese, Randy Petersen, Publisher: Zondervan, 1996. ISBN: 0310201152

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Jim Smoke. Publisher: Harvest House, 2007. ISBN: 0736918159

Reinventing Your Life

Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. Publisher: Plume, 1994. ISBN: 0452272041

Why Did You Have to Get a Divorce? And When Can I Get a Hamster?

Anthony Wolf. Publisher: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1998).ISBN: 0374525684

My Parents are Divorced, Too – A Book for Kids by Kids

Melanie, Annie, Steven and Jann Blackstone Ford. Publisher: Magination, April 2006. ISBN: 1591472423

Divorce is Not the End of the World: Coping Guide for Kids

Zoe, Evan and Ellen Sue Stern. Publisher: Tricycle Press, 2008. ISBN: 1582462410

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Russell A. Barkley. Publisher: The Guilford Press, 2000. ISBN: 1572305606

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Russell A. Barkley. Publisher: The Guilford Press, 2005. ISBN: 159385210X

Putting on the Brakes: Understanding and Taking Control of Your ADD or ADHD

Patricia Quinn & Judith Stern. Publisher: Magination Press, 2008. ISBN: 1433803879

The Survival Guide for Kids with ADD or ADHD

John F. Taylor. Publisher: Free Spirit, 2006. ISBN: 157542195X

ADHD in Adolescents – Diagnosis and Treatment

Arthur L. Robin. Publisher: The Guilford Press, 1999. ISBN-10: 1572305452

Family Therapy for ADHD

Everett & Everett. Publisher: The Guilford Press, 2001. ISBN: 1572307080

Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults

Lynn Weiss. Publisher: Taylor Trade Publishing, 2005. ISBN: 1589792378

The Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults Workbook

Lynn Weiss. Publisher: Taylor Trade Publishing, 2005. ISBN: 1589792483

Driven to Distraction

Edward Hallowell and John Ratey. Publisher: Touchstone, 1995. ISBN: 0684801280

A.D.D. Success Stories

Thom Hartmann and John Ratey. Publisher: Underwood Books, 1995. ISBN: 1887424032

Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perception

Thom Hartmann. Publisher: Underwood Books, 1997. ISBN: 1887424148

A.D.D. & Romance

Jonathan Scott Halverstadt. Publisher: Taylor Trade Publishing, 1998. ISBN: 087833209X

You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?

Peggy Ramundo & Kate Kelly. Publisher: Scribner, 2006. ISBN: 0743264487

A.D.D. in the Workplace

Kathleen Nadeau. Publisher: Taylor & Francis Group, 1997. ISBN: 0876308477

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Rex Forehand, Nicholas Long. Publisher: McGraw-Hill, 2002. ISBN: 0809232650

Everything Parent’s Guide to the Strong-Willed Child

Carl E. Pickhardt. Publisher: Adams Media, 2005. ISBN: 1593373813

Parenting the Defiant Child

Russell Barkley, Christine Benton. Publisher: The Guilford Press, 1998. ISBN: 1572303212

The Explosive Child

Ross Greene. Publisher: Harper, 2005. ISBN: 0061906190

The Difficult Child

Stanley Tureck, Leslie Tonner. Publisher: Bantam, 2000. ISBN: 0553380362

The Challenging Child

Stanley Greenspan with Jacqueline Salmon. Publisher: Da Capo, 1996. ISBN: 0201441934

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Gershen Kaufman, Lev Raphael, Pamela Espeland. Publisher: Free Spirit, 1999. ISBN: 1575420686

NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. Publisher: Twelve; X edition, 2009. ISBN: 0446504122

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Sam Goldstein, Robert Brooks, Kristy Hagar. Publisher: Specialty Press, 2003. ISBN: 1886941467

What To Do When You’re Scared & Worried – a guide for kids

James J. Crist. Publisher: Free Spirit, 2004. ISBN: 1575421534

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Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Publisher: Scribner, 1997. ISBN: 0684842238

On Life After Death

Elisabeth Hubler-Ross, Caroline Myss. Publisher: Celestial Arts, 2008. ISBN: 1587613182

Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief

Pauline Boss. Publisher: Harvard University Press, 2000. ISBN: 0674003810

Tear Soup

Pat Schweibert, Chuck DeKlyen, Taylor Bills. Publisher: Grief Watch, 2005.ISBN: 0961519762

Living When a Loved One Has Died

Earl A. Grollman. Publisher: Beacon Press, 1995. ISBN: 0807027243

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